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Humour in English

A R T I C L E S

Most humour below comes from Barfly - once a great free mag based in Cairns, Tropical Australia (no longer published).

HUMOUR AUSTRALIA

Regional ABC Radio
Top recent sketches and old favourites !

Humour Australia Sketches

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An American Perspective ...

VIVE LA FRANCE

The following advice for American travellers going to France was compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the CIA, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food & Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. It was intended as a guide for American travellers only.

OVERVIEW: France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular importance and with not very good shopping. France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to western civilisation are champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine. Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible for Americans to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that local people insist on speaking in French, though many will speak English if shouted at. Watch your money at all times.

THE PEOPLE: France has a population of 57 million people. 52 million of these drink and smoke (the other 5 million are small children). All French people drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing patiently in a queue. The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof and undisciplined; those are their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their behaviour. Many people are communists. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie or Michel, and they kiss each other when they meet. American travellers are advised to travel in groups and wear baseball caps and colourful trousers for easier recognition.

SAFETY: France is a safe destination, although travellers must be aware that from time to time it is invaded by Germany. Traditionally, the French surrender immediately and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the American visitor generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the French government to flee to London during future German invasions.

HISTORY: France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport.

GOVERNMENT: The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously and always result in a draw. The French love administration so for government purposes the country is divided into regions, departments, districts, municipalities, towns, communes, villages, cafes, and telephone kiosks. Each of these has its own government and elections. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower, though confusingly they are both on the ground floor, and whose members are either Gaullists or Communists, neither of whom should be trusted by the traveller. Parliament's principal occupation is setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific and acting indignant and surprised when other countries complain. A ccording to the most current American State Department intelligence, the President is now someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.

CULTURE: The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see why. All their music sounds the same and they have never made a movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes.

CUISINE: Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent, although it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. In general, travellers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers.

ECONOMY: France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in Europe, which is surprising because the French hardly work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are: wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, guns, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.

PUBLIC HOLIDAYS: France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its 361 national holidays are: 197 Saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in triumph as if he won the war single-handed Days, 18 Napoleon sent into Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 2 "France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish" Days.

CONCLUSION: France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it was not inhabited by French people. The best thing that can be said for France is that it is not Germany.  

Courtesy of
Barfly.com.au

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Better English

Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments.

European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult; for example: cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter.

There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it was announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'. This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty persent shorter in print.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double leters whish have always been a deterent to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop them and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o kould be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Courtesy of
Barfly.com.au
 

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Answer phones - there’s absolutely no escaping them. Nowadays every Tom, Dick or Nigel has one ... complete with their own tailor-made snappy, happy and often downright daggy jingle or message. Wait for the bleep, then read on .

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER (over Wagnerian-type operatic piece): Gutten day to you. Here I'm beink on ze set of mein latest moofie. Eet's the latest moofie in mein long list of mega-hits. First zere was ze Terminator, zen zer was ze Predator. Zis one's called ze Laminator. Eet's about zis handyman from ze 22nd Century who's on a mizzion. I am ze handyman. Eet's a drama. You'll chust luff it. Leef a mezzage after eind bleep. Auf Fried Da Seine. BEEP . . .

CLIVE ROBERTSON (to the accompaniment of languid piano concerto): I have something to say now, don't I? Yes, I suppose I do (yawns). How dreary . . . Aren't these answering things an abomination? Oh well, if you must, leave a message after the tone and I suppose I'll have to try and return your call. How tiresome! Oh well, I suppose it's all part of life's rich tapestry. Try your best (yawns) . . . such clever chaps these Japanese, you know. BEEP . . .

THE SANDMAN (JJJ Morning Show and Good News Week): (In a slow monotone.) Oh, uh, hullo. (Pause) This is Sandy. (Pause) I’m not here at the moment because I have had to go over to Nana’s and make her a ham, relish and tomato sandwich for her lunch. (Pause) The only problem is that the tomato has to be dried with a towel before you put it on the bread. (Pause) That takes a long time. (Pause) Anyway, Nana also likes a sprinkle ... oh, isn’t that a lovely word, sprinkle? (Pause) As I was saying, she likes a sprinkle ... oh, there’s that word again, sprinkle ... yes, a sprinkle of salt and only 14 grains of pepper, which she counts out herself. (Pause) The pepper always tickles my nostril hairs and makes me sneeze all over Nana’s sandwich ... oh, dear ... (pause) ... I think I have rambled on a bit ... sorry. (Pause) Anyway, I’m glad you called because I don’t have many friends, apart from Nana, so please, please, please leave your phone number and I will gladly return your call when I get back from Nana’s house. Thank you. (Pause) From Sandy. The End.

THE POPE (over Gregorian chanting): Bless you my child. This is John-Paul . . . George and Ringo. Heh, heh I tell a leedle Beatles choke, yes? I'm out keesing airport runaways and am unable to ponteefeecate right now. Please leef your name and number when you hear the amen and I'll get back to you - God weeling. BLEEP . . .

VINCENT VAN GOGH: Hello? Hello? Hello? Woops, wrong ear! That’s better ... this is Vincent and I am not in the studio at the moment so please leave a message and I will be all ear. And could somebody tell Don MacLean to lay off playing that song Starry, Starry Night or I’ll lop my other ear off in protest.

OASIS : Oi! What are you f****n’ ringing ‘ere for, you git. Why don’t you all f*****n’ well sod off before I come around and give you me best Glasgow handshake. And don’t f*****n’ bother ringing ‘ere agin, gottit? Go on, f***k off.

LOUISE HAY (Author of New Age manifesto, You Can Heal Your Life) (Over musical bed of ambience): In the infinity of life, where this phone message has chosen to be, all is well in my world. I choose not to answer this call now, but if your Higher Power moves you to, please leave a message and remember, ten times a day in front of the mirror, say "I love and approve of myself always".

JOHN McENROE (over a bed of bad heavy metal music — presumably himself and other tennis chums): You dummy! You called while I was OUT; what are you — some kinda moron?! Five minutes ... you've missed by AT LEAST five minutes — how canya be so out? Are you stoopid, or what? Can't you get anything right? You're a disgrace to hoomanity. Leave a message, asshole, and I might ring you back, but don't count on it. BEEP (of a belligerent nature).

ITA BUTTROSE (Robyn Archer song in background): Hello, you've weached the ITA XL-ENT, the answerwing machine for the woman who wasn't born yesterday but wants to leave a message today. When you hear the sound of the gwoaning ego, please leave your name and number or wite to me at ITA Magazine, 1 Ita Street, Itaville, ITAly. BEEP ....

DERRYN HINCH (to strains of maudlin, melodramatic music): Hi, I'm Derryn Hinch. This answer phone is an absolute joke. Anyway, if you try again and can't get hold of me, well, I've said it before and I'll say it again, that's life. I don't apologise for that, this is outrageous. I'm Derryn Hinch. Thank you for listening. That's life. BEEP ...

PAULINE HANSON (over musical bed of Sandie Shaw’s Puppet On A String): Hello, this is Pauline Hanson’s phone. If you are from a newspaper who has written negatively about me, leave your name and address so my Commonwealth funded bouncers can come around and remove you. If you are an immigrant or refugee, hang up now and go back to where you came from. If you are the Avon lady I would like to order another red lipstick and nailpolish in that wonderfully understated colour I wear so well. Anyone else, please leave a message. If you require more assistance, key in P.L.E.A.S.E. E.X.P.L.A.I.N. into your phone and this message will be replayed. And only messages in English will be returned. Thank you.

Courtesy of
Barfly.com.au

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Classified Classics

As the following classified classics demonstrate, there are often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the cartoons and comic strips:

• For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

• Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

• Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

• Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

• Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

• A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetising forms.

• Dinner Special — Turkey $12.50; Chicken or Beef $10.25; Children $5.

• Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

• Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

• We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

• No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

• Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

• Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

• Holiday Special: have your home exterminated.

• If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

• Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

• Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

• Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

• Wanted: chambermaid in rectory.

• Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated?

• Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

• Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

• Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

• Our experienced Mum will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

• Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

• Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery.

• Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

• Ladies blouses. 50% off!

• Illiterate? Write today for free help.

• Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion.

• Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

• Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

• Mother's helper — peasant working conditions.

• We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $20.

Courtesy of
Barfly.com.au

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Diary of a Paranoid Cat 

MONDAY 

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the satisfaction from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. 

TUESDAY 

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded - must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to throw up on their favourite chair. NB: must try this on their bed. 

WEDNESDAY 

Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night. 

THURSDAY 

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was ....hmm. Not working according to plan! 

FRIDAY 

I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time, however, it included a burning, foamy chemical called ‘shampoo’. What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth. 

SATURDAY 

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes they call ‘beer’. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies”. Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. 

SUNDAY 

I am convinced the other captives are flunkeys and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the medal room his safety is assured. But I can wait - it is only a matter of time. 

Courtesy of
Barfly.com.au

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English is Double Dutch

Let's face it — English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither 
apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. 
Sweetmeats are lollies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. 
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand works slowly, 
boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that 
writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is 
teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 
2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb 
through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of 
all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a 
vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? 

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by 
ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, 
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while 
quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell 
another? 

And have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever 
seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you 
ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those 
people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly? 

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns 
down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. English 
was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of 
course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible. However, when the 
lights are out, they are invisible. 

Courtesy of
Barfly.com.au

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Gender Dictionary

THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female: Any part under a car's bonnet.

Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

Male: Playing cricket without a box.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with your mates.

BUM (bum) n.

Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look bigger.

Male: The organ for mooning (and farting).

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.

Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male: Sex

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.

Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple

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Barfly.com.au

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Horror scopes 

Here it is - Madame Viper’s Guide to Christmas Gift Giving by the stars.


ARIES: Aries are renowned for being extroverts and adventurers so Christmas glow-in-the-dark Hawaiian safari suits, personalised loud-hailers, and customised sea kayaks with ‘Look At Me’ painted on the side will be wildly appreciated by the Aries person in your life. 

TAURUS: Defensive and suspicious Taureans will love nothing more than a secondhand AK 47, a telescope, and individually tailored combat gear complemented by a spiffy new Armoured Personnel Carrier. A roll of barbed wire will suffice if funds are limited.

GEMINI: The verbal swordsmiths of the zodiac tend to make great salespeople so consider signing them up as an Electrolux or Encyclopaedia Brittanica salesperson. Since they also love travelling, a one way ticket to Georgia (the USSR Georgia, not the USA one) on a south bound, Thesaurus packing, syphilitic Tibetan mountain goat will also be appreciated.

CANCER: A bib, a box of washing powder, bleach and a washing machine are high on the Cancerian Christmas list because of their propensity for staining and soiling themselves. But, being a prideless sign, don’t expect them to use any of your thoughtful presents. A mirror should also be considered so Cancerians can see just how disgustingly slobby they really are.

LEO: Because these people divorce more than any other sign (except for Librans), a gift voucher for a solicitor should be seriously considered. So, too, should a video camera so that these spotlight seeking prima donnas can capture themselves on film and play it back at any opportunity - which they will, much to the boredom of everyone else.

VIRGO: Ungrateful and treacherous Virgo will go bananas (well, maybe not) over a new knife (with a long blade suitable for implanting in spinal columns) as well as pair of steel capped boots for a spot of head stomping. Remember,too, that Virgo rules the intestinal tract and loves nothing more than throwing up all over their competitors. With this in mind your nearest chemist should be able to supply a gift basket of emetics, all nicely gift wrapped, of course.

LIBRA: A hearing aid would be a perfect Libran gift for these narcissistic folk never listen to anything that anyone else has to say. They are also renowned for their sexual deviancy so a twelve month subscription to the monthly magazine ‘Bondage, Discipline, Scatology and Beyond’ will be accepted with much thanks. Even a romantic weekend at the local sheep station (gum boots included) will be appreciated. 

SCORPIO: Give this lot a P.I.’s licence and watch that smile light up the cunning Scorpio face. These born detectives are also known for their love of fighting so consider weapons of any sort, including blunt instruments, a home-stay weekend in the Sinai, karate lessons or a date with Tommy Lee (wife not included).

SAGITTARIUS: This sign distrusts security and is a born gambler. With that in mind, you could do worse than buying them a fourth-hand car with a ‘Please Steal Me’ sticker on the bumper bar. If money is short, consider removing all their door locks, security screens and alarm systems then invite half a dozen of your favourite junkies to their house for a surprise visit.

CAPRICORN: Don’t go for anything with a surprise element in it because the Capricorn in your life tends to hate unpredictability. Stick with the basics like a new handkerchief, underpants (no checks or stripes or lairy colours please), Brut 33 Aftershave, After Dinner Mints or a pair of black gumboots. Think dull, think boring, think Capricorn.

AQUARIUS: Anything weird, strange or unusual will do for Aquarians - like a petrified pad of dinosaur dung from Patagonia, the last known unwashed jock strap worn by Hitler at the time of his death, a packet of personalised toilet paper, or a head band made from the intestine of the rare 1920’s Nicaraguan stonefish. If it’s not something you’d want to own the water bearer will love it. Trust me.

PISCES: The shallow, masochistic Piscean lives in fantasy land and is a born beggar. This Christmas make them truly happy with loads of meaningless compliments, a hair shirt, the latest Mills & Boon book, and a shiny, new tin cup (all the better to beg with, my dear). 

Courtesy of
Barfly.com.au

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How to sing the blues 


1. Most blues begin “woke up this morning”. 

2. “I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line. 

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Something like : “Got a good woman With the meanest dog in town. He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher And he weighs about 500 pounds” 

4. The blues are not about limitless choice. 

5. Blues cars are Chevvies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die. 

6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis. 

7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues. 

8. The following colours do not belong in the blues: a. violet b. beige c. magenta 

9. You can’t have the blues in an office or a shopping mall - the lighting is wrong! 

10. Good places for the Blues are: a. the highway b. the jailhouse c. the empty bed 

Bad places: a. Ashrams b. Gallery openings c. Hilton hotels 

11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man. 

12. Do you have the right to sing the blues? Yes, if: a. your first name is a southern state - like Georgia b. you're blind c. you shot a man in Memphis d. you can't be satisfied No, if: a. you were once blind but now can see b. you're deaf c. you have a trust fund. 

13. Neither Julio Inglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues. 

14. If you ask for water and your baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other blues beverages are: a. wine b. Irish whiskey c. Muddy watee Blues beverages are NOT: a. Any mixed drink b. Tea c. Horlicks 

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death, if you die during a liposuction treatment. 

16. Some blues names for women: a. Sadie b. Big Mama c. Bessie 

17. Some blues names for men a. Lightning b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Big Bill NB: Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis. 

17B. Other blues names (Starter Kit) a. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic) b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi) c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) NB: Mix and Match. 

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Barfly.com.au

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OZ speak

One of the many unfortunate aspects of Australia being so obsequious to the USA has been the erosion of a rich legacy of Oz slang and sayings in favour of American street vernacular. This year, ‘The Year of the Outback’, provides a perfect opportunity to revive a few of the more colourful examples of this dying genre.  

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Barfly.com.au

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Priceless Princely Pronouncements 

Prince Philip has a reputation for his not so bon mots. Step into his shoes and put the princely foot in the following: 

1. What did the prince ask an aboriginal man on his jubilee year visit to Cairns last week? 
    
a) Do you recognise your queen? b) Do you still live in caves? c) Do you still wear animal skins? d) Do you still throw spears at each other? 

2. A 1966 pronouncement: "British women can't ... " 

a) sing b) dance c) cook d) vote 

3. At the 1969 Royal Variety Performance, the prince asked the singer Tom Jones whether he gargled with: 

a) pebbles b) diamonds c) mouthwash d) cigarette butts 

4. Of whom did the prince demand, in 1984, "You are a woman, aren't you?" 

a) His wife b) A Kenyan woman who had presented him with a gift c) Camilla Parker Bowles d) Boy George 

5. What kind of cuisine was Philip describing at the 1986 World Wildlife Fund conference: "If it has got four legs and it is not a chair, if it has got two wings and it flies but is not an aeroplane, and if it swims and it is not a submarine, the ... will eat it." 

a) Americans b) British c) Cantonese d) French 

6. To British students in China, during the 1986 state visit: "If you stay here much longer you'll all be ... " 

a) commies b) slitty-eyed c) shot d) short 

7. The prince compared a proposed ban on firearms after the 1996 Dunblane shooting to a ban on: 

a) cricket bats b) the monarchy c) swearing in public d) warm beer 

8. In 1997, how did Philip refer to a Cambridge University car park attendant who failed to recognise him? 

a) Turnip! b) Pillock! c) Bloody silly fool! d) Peasant! 

9. To a student in 1998 who had been trekking in Papua New Guinea: "You managed not to get ... then" 

a) lost b) bored c) converted d) eaten 

Correct answers: 

1d   2c   3a   4b   5c   6b   7a   8c   9d 

If you got more than 6 correct, you must be related. 

Courtesy of
Barfly.com.au

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Proverbs To Live By 

• A bird in the hand is safer than two overhead. 

• A camel is a horse planned by committee. 

• A characteristic of the normal child is he doesn't act that way very often. 

• A clean limerick is a contradiction in terms. 

• A committee is a thing which takes a week to do what one good man can do in an hour. 

• A company is known by the people it keeps. 

• A compromise is the art of dividing the cake in such a way that each one thinks he is getting the biggest piece. 

• A cynic is man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. 

• A foot is a device for finding furniture in the dark. 

• A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. 

• A lie in time saves nine. 

• A little help at the right time is better than a lot of help at the wrong time. 

• A little ignorance can go a long way. 

• A man should be greater than some of his parts. 

• A meeting is a place where people get together to talk about what they should be doing. 

• A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer. 

• A motion to adjourn is always in order. 

• A new broom sweeps clean, but the old brush knows the corners. 

• A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the pants. 

• A picture is a poem without words. 

• A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits. 

• A pretty woman is a welcome guest. 

• A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience. 

Courtesy of
Barfly.com.au

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